transition reflection

i am at a point where i get to hopefully move from transient to some form of consistent. i am kind of over the three month stint but not ready for the decade long one. i have a lot of fears right now but not the same ones as my friends. i am not afraid of dangerous places or not making enough money or staying single. i am not afraid of the unknown or unfamiliar. my fear is kind of nameless. it stems from a deeprooted belief that the world is not as it should be. we are far from shalom. far from rightness.

for the next few months i will again be transient. teaching. loving. serving. but only temporarily, as usual. in all this coming and going i know that any good done through me can only be evidence of the power of the Holy Spirit and God's work because it sure as heck has very little to do with me.

i dont think i want to be a billboard for social movements. i dont spend my time learning about trendy co-ops or researching scandals while pretending that i hate trendy things. i dont want to be bitter or angry or hypocritical. is that bad? i am not as edgy as my friends. i am not as angry as them either. i feel as though i dont need to read that stuff to know the world is broken. and to spend my energy on that kind of incessent movement watching would just make me tired. i would instead like to focus on the people, loving them, serving them, working shoulder to shoulder with them to make change in tangible ways not nessicarily loud ways. sometimes i want to be like two of my friends. very with-it, knowing the cool blogs and lingo. but i dont. and i dont want to. i think part of me doesnt want to spend any extra time talking about the change and the anger and the solidarity but wants instead to do it. though i might go to a protest now and again i am not a protestor. i am a creator. recently i decided that when i am creating is when i am most alive. not tearing down but building. and i dont want to create or build without being asked to. i dont want to sit at home on my laptop at 3 in the morning thinking of the plan to "save" anyone. i want to GO. i think God has put a desire in my heart to go to the dangerous places and love people until their hearts change, to work for a shalom on earth that provides a scandalous, fragrant hint of the eternal shalom to come. That will be the true structural change. but you cant work for small changes without having some larger, bigger, seemingly impossible change as the end goal. for me that is a new economic system that values people over growth. a prison system meant to rehabilitate rather that crush. a justice system meant to protect rather than perpetuate. a school system that teaches critical thinking and creativity instead of memorization and conformity. a church that LOVES RADICALLY, gives irrationally, serves thoroughly, is colorful and joyful and in the forgotten places.